I say, "I want you to try to imagine this:
"When you started hiking through the brush, you were thrilled by the adventure, by the allure of the mountains lying ahead. With each step you take forward, it just feels right, and you take care not to trample the bushes around you.
"After what feels like days of walking, you eventually find that you've reached the edge of the mountains. The path leads forward into a cavernous opening into the side. From afar, you weren't sure how big the cave would be, you thought it might be a tight squeeze. But now that you're there, you can see, it's actually massive. You feel overwhelmed, but your spirit of adventure won't be broken quite that easily; hesitantly, you put one foot forward, then another, until you find yourself inside. Then onwards you march.
"Inside you realize just how damp and musty it really is-- and dark. After a few minutes of moving forwards, you find yourself tripping over a stalactite. You feel embarassed, you know you're supposed to be more graceful than that. You're trying to keep your cool, trying not to curse at your clumsiness, when suddenly, you snag your toe on a rock and stumble forwards. You manage to catch your balance, barely, but now you feel even worse. That's not the least of it; now you realize that there's water dripping down from the ceiling. It hits you in the eye, and you wince. You ask yourself, why did you even get into this in the first place?
"But it's too late to turn back now. You feel completely absurd as you walk onwards, now being incredibly deliberate in each step. The thrill of the adventure's gone now, all you care about is just making it out. It feels like this cave could swallow you whole if you're not careful. You swear that all you have to do is make it out with a shred of your dignity left, but it's getting harder to believe that with each drop of water that hits your face.
"It's getting even damper as you go further into this horrific, soul consuming cavern. It's not just the humidity, it's hard to breath. Each step you stumble, trying to hold onto the sides of the cave but finding that you can't keep your grip, teetering as you plunge forwards. You tell yourself that it's not long now, soon you'll have escaped this terrible, dark, dank place, soon you'll be out.
"You don't know how much time has passed at this point. There's no light, you can barely see anything, it feels like you've been in there for days. Just as you've finally gotten used to the terrible footing, the clumsiness, you hear a loud noise echoing through the cave. You don't stop to wonder what it could possibly be, you realize what it is instantly: a blast of water hits your whole body, knocking you backwards as the cave floods.
"You try to come up for air, struggling, but every time you manage to raise your head high enough, the force knocks you back down again. You're swallowing water, you can't help yourself; and it's not clean, either, it's dirty cave water. The foul taste fills your mouth.
"You realize at last that it's hopeless. You keep trying to catch some breath, any at all, but you're drowning. The water is still rushing, and you feel like you're going to die. But somehow, when you open your eyes, you realize that you're not dead, you've managed to survive somehow; the water knocked you out of the cave entirely, and now you're lying on the grass, soaked in water, feeling battered, exhausted, and deeply embarassed. You're supposed to be an explorer. How could one cave do this to you?
"But you feel awful. The taste won't get out of your mouth, you're too embarassed to even stand, and you know it'll be impossible to get yourself clean after that. You just lay there, feeling ashamed and defeated. The cave stands there, as if it's taunting you, but don't want anything to do with that monstrous cavern."
I finally stop talking, and I take a deep breath. The naked woman lying next to me seems disgusted, and just shakes her head.
"Christ," she says, turning her back to me. "You just could've said you weren't in the bloody mood."